Not present to Present

Background:

April 2005 - cervical cancer
June 2005 - brain tumour
July 2005 - 1st tumour removed
October 2008 - 2nd tumour removed
September 2009 - 3rd tumour removed
3 weeks later, October 2009 - 4th tumour removed (cyst)

Now:

I'd like to feel. That's my problem; I haven't been able to feel. I've intellectulized; what is it about me that ... That's where it was - in my head. Last night I was trying to feel what was happening in my brain and body and how it affects all the body. It's a long way to feeling something. I think that's what the journey is about.

Tearful moments would be good. Things like scary; fearful. I don't allow myself to do that - too scary. Stops me from feeling. Sometimes I feel I'm on my own because you don't know what it's like unless you are in it. Jules forgets sometimes because you get into a mode. I don't - because I'm always in it. I'm envious that he can do that. That's how people are. In their own shit. It's always your own perspective. Your own self. It feels lonely. We might have tearful moments.

I notice today I was eating - I'm not bulimic - I kept eating to keep emotions down. If I don't pace myself, it's this and this and I keep talking and I mumble because I want to hurry up and finish and move on and not stay with the emotion.

Today makes it a bit harder and permanent because I'm tired; it makes it harder. I'm learning I have to go slowly or people don't understand what I'm saying; It's not new - just more obvious. Bits of my face are numb and I'm concious of it happening. I need to stop rushing.

Feel sad. When is it going to end? How much more can I put up with? My life. It's nearly 5 years. Long time. What's it all about? Just trying to feel the feelings. Feel something.

It's like I'm skimming the top of an iceberg and you only see a bit of it and there's a huge iceberg underneath and I don't even know the beginning of what's underneath but I know it's huge.

All my life it's been too hard to see what's going on so it was easier to exist in an intellectual level; because it was too hard to do anything else. Feel like I've missed out because of it.

But I feel the last... the transition has started ... when I got the tumour the first time; even then it's been a long journey. I don't feel it's over. I feel I'm in transition. I feel I've changed so much.

It's been really hard but really lovely to meet and allow people to come in to my life and do stuff like this. People are interested. It's amazing. That I'm interesting. Lovable. Not stupid. In fact quite intelligent. It's surprising. Quite intelligent. Fascinating.

Been lovely to feel loved. Really loved. Unconditionally. Never felt that before. People keep coming back for more and I don't have to do anything. What comes of a bad experience? Greatness. That's what it is.

So in a nutshell, it's a mixture of feeling very much supported but so much on my own as it's my journey and noone else can understand it.

Lovely. Just the last four weeks seeing how people are just interested; the unconditional love is really nice. And allowing that in and feeling that love is huge. There's something quite simple about it. I know how simple life is and how complicated we make it and you don't need to. All our talk about core beliefs and themes and how they interrupt us just living a simple life.

Anything more to capture today?

Just letting go of responsibility is a biggie for me. Saying my truth in a nice way that respects me and what I want.

It's like A calling on Monday. I didn't say "I don't want to hear your shit"; but I'm doing it right for me. In the past I've listened to someone dribble on for an hour and it doesn't serve him or me. On Monday I was able to say "Hello, it's been shit; I've go a few things on; what's happening for you? That's enough. Goodbye" in a nice way.

That's OK. That's good.