Realising I have Cancer

I was realizing I have cancer …(long pause) … I have spent the last 4 years denying that I’m unwell. And believing that some sort of miracle would make the tumour go away.

I think a lot of those thoughts go around positive thinking and the belief through literature. People like Ian Galwer, Louise Hay, the here-and-now Echart Tolle reading; those sort of things, their beliefs, and being encouraged by the possibility of a cure. My own denial; or staying in the thinking mode, and ignoring signs and symptoms as evidence that I’ll be all right.

With the recent two episodes and the fact that it’s been a long, lengthy, harrowing process, has enabled me to realize that I am, in fact, quite unwell. And I have been able to see that I am a cancer patient. Therefore I’m no longer in denial.

This revelation - or revolution - has in fact given me a break or freedom to feel something like … I feel like I have been given a break through this revelation. It feels freeing; that it has taken the pressure off me to feel well. And enabled me to slow down and take each moment by moment. To be very present to what’s happening. So I recognize that I am unwell through that.

There are times, when I feel particularly anxious, that it brings on small seizures. When I have had a seizure I really catastrophized them but now I realize it’s because of feeling anxious, fatigued, tired, and inevitably they are going to present themselves because of my physical symptoms. I realize that these symptoms are going to be symptoms that I have to live with rather than less. I’m more pragmatic about understanding what’s behind the seizures rather than thinking that it is something that it’s not.

Yesterday I went out - on the bus - and went to the shops, and with this revelation I - needless to say - I noticed people who were unwell themselves. A Gestalt awareness of seeing yourself. You start seeing things. The opening up of my eyes allowed me to see that there are other people out there who are also suffering. It was quite comforting to experience.

So gradually I am noticing a slow improvement. I can text, email, walk a bit better, improved on my memory tests and now I’m 63 years of age!! My concentration is much better therefore I bought a book yesterday to read. It feels like a slow process, which is frustrating, but describing it is another realization that the improvement is good and it’s my impatience which is making it frustrating.

I’m still taking steroids - 2 milligram in the morning, which is half a tablet, and my sleep is actually worse. My weight has increased significantly so I feel fat and ugly. I can’t do much exercise because I’m too tired though I’m still continuing with the hand weights. I no longer have those murderous thoughts. I feel that some sense of humour is almost back. And I do generally feel a bit calmer with them.

I feel that the weather hasn’t helped and the 38 degrees yesterday and whatever it was last night doesn’t help with the sleep. I do get some nauseous sensations from time to time. I’m not sure if that’s down to lack of sleep or the tablets or a combination of both. I have very bad, dried mouth which is definitely the injection. It’s been worse since I’ve had it. I’m having another 3rd treatment on 2 December and after that will have an MRI scan - possibly mid December.

Brian has been very kind… more than that… he’s been very proactive with trying to help me get some treatment and has managed, through a number of resources, to get Roche to pay for my next treatment. He is a good man.

All in told, things are looking up.

Finito.